This should go in the Daily Giggle, but it is too long, and much too funny not to share!
"Last weekend, I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked by interest. The occasion was out 15
th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized
taser. The effects of the
taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the devise and brought it home. I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing?!? I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
OK, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??
So there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand and
taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while, I'm looking at this little devise measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 " in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with 2
itsy,
bitsy AAA batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it moron", reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst, just of the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh,
punched the button and HOLY MOTHER OF.....WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.....WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?
I'm pretty sure Jessie
Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, private parts nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position and tingling in my legs?!?! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a
taser, CAUTION: There is not such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself.
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!
A minute or so later ( I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
living room.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but
was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
P.S. My wife loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it."
We were driving down the freeway when we saw a billboard for "Dirty Joe Punsters", an adult store in Spanish Fork. Alec said, "I used to want to know what was in an adult store until I realized, all adults think about is politics and that is boring! So I don't think I will go there."
The other morning, when I woke up, Paul asked, "How do you feel?" I said, "My body aches, my joints hurt, so does my head, and I'm tired, but I don't think I'm getting sick."
I have been told that you need to love people where they are and not judge them just because they are not as mature or advanced as you. Well with that thought, I have discovered something. I am like a 2 year old!
