Friday, February 24, 2017

I miss my hero! October 2016

I still am reeling from the loss of my father.  I just can't seem to come to terms with it.  I have already gone through all the cliches'...he's in a better place, he's out of pain now, he's probably with you even more now, you'll see him again someday, so why doesn't any of them make me feel any better?

As much as anything, I HATE the idea that he isn't in Mapleton waiting for me to give him a hug.  I HATE the idea of him being gone!!! I HATE that the man who has made me feel safe and secure is not on this earth to comfort me!!!

Yeah, it's selfish! I can see all of the "me's" and "I's" in my statements.  But I know I'm not the only one who feels like this.  That in itself is a heart break.

On Breaking Bones September 2015

Being the graceful person that I am, I think I am well qualified to write this.

Here are the feelings you get when you break a bone.

The first time, it's scary!  You're in pain, you cry and you're not sure why the pain is so deep and severe.  You're afraid it could be fatal but you hope you won't die, even though you feel like you will!! Then every ache and pain afterwards is also scary.  You wonder if it is supposed to hurt like it hurts, or as long as it hurts.  People are nice to you and try to help and you appreciate it because you feel fragile. You live through it and feel like a hero.

The second time, you think, "This is awful!  Why does this have to happen to me?"  The pain is just as severe, but this time, you know it's not fatal and that is a relief! When people start being nice and helping you, you think, "  This isn't that bad. It's kind of nice to not have to deal with mean brothers!" You kind of milk it because you know they will never be nice again! You make it through and think, I can do hard things.

The third time, your first reaction is, "Oh, s#!+*!  Not again!!"  You are mad because it will ruin your plans and know that 6 weeks is too long to be without the use of an appendage.  It still hurts, but you are more mad than sore.  You think, at least your brothers and friends will be nice again, but their patience is wearing thin as well.  They're nice for a while but not as long as before! You think it's time to start taking it a little easier.

The next time, you know that you can't milk it like before because they are getting used to your clumsiness and they just make fun of you! Your reaction is very similar to the 3rd time - NOT AGAIN!!! You buck up, do your cast and/or crutches time, and vow to be more careful. You feel humbled.

By the 7th time, yes I said 7th (and that doesn't count the innumerable sprains and stitches) you go into auto pilot much like changing a baby's diaper or cleaning a toilet, you hate it but you know what to do.  You immediately announce loudly, "I'm Ok".  Then you sit and analyze the sore places.  You know that the arm and other foot is hurt, but not seriously.  You swear, not because of the all familiar pain, but because you are embarrassed and disgusted with yourself because of your lack of coordination.  You know what to do!  First you feel around with your fingers and then you test the movement of your appendage. You can feel at the point at which it is broken that this will require another cast. You carefully move to the closest soft chair and call the Doctor.  When you see him, you tell him what you did and what he needs to do to fix it.  (By this time, he knows to listen to you).

You don't want to make a fuss about it because it is nothing new.  You try to hide it and not look pathetic.  When people want to help, for first reaction is much like a 2 year old: you give them a sour look and say, "I can do it my myself!" Luckily, you know enough that when the Doctor says to stay off it for 6 weeks, you listen!

You try to laugh at it and make fun of yourself hoping that people will forget about it and not make a fuss. You just want it all to go away and are sad because you know what the next 6 weeks holds in store for you.

You start planning the next 6 weeks almost like a vacation plan.  You start recording more shows on TV, find a stack of books you want to read, by more yarn so you can knit, and divvy out all of your housekeeping responsibilities knowing that if you don't, NOTHING gets done.

You start planning your life 6 weeks in advance and VOW that you will be more careful. You live through it and STILL feel like a dork!

Then repeat!!! AARRGGHHH!!!!