Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Words To Live By Alec - Adult Subjects

We were driving down the freeway when we saw a billboard for "Dirty Joe Punsters", an adult store in Spanish Fork. Alec said, "I used to want to know what was in an adult store until I realized, all adults think about is politics and that is boring! So I don't think I will go there."

He smiled, and I laughed! He thinks he's so funny!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Words To Live By Alec - Moral of the Day

You can teach an old dog new tricks,

but you can't teach Madonna to act.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

It's All Good

The other morning, when I woke up, Paul asked, "How do you feel?" I said, "My body aches, my joints hurt, so does my head, and I'm tired, but I don't think I'm getting sick."
Oh I miss those days when opening my eyes meant a whole new adventure. I couldn't wait to get outside and play. I hated to come in to eat or even use the bathroom!
Do you remember when going to your room or taking a nap seemed like a punishment. Now it is my reward!
Once I woke up I was just happy to be alive and looked forward to my day, complete with alone time and a nap!

No wonder people keep asking me about my grand kids!

Friday, December 12, 2008

It's a Guy Thing!

This should go in the Daily Giggle, but it is too long, and much too funny not to share!

"Last weekend, I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked by interest. The occasion was out 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the devise and brought it home. I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing?!? I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

OK, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??

So there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand and taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little devise measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 " in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with 2 itsy, bitsy AAA batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it moron", reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst, just of the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, punched the button and HOLY MOTHER OF.....WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.....WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, private parts nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position and tingling in my legs?!?! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, CAUTION: There is not such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself.


A minute or so later ( I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the living room.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
P.S. My wife loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it."

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Last night was our Relief Society Christmas Party. I heard that George Durrant was coming to speak to us after the meal. That in itself was convincing enough for me to plan on attending. Sunday, the Relief Society President stopped by to see if I would make a cake to bring. I was thrilled to be asked!
Well, I delivered the cake and then went to the cultural hall. It was beautifully decorated. There was soft music playing in the background and the company was delightful! They served a 5 course meal that would compare to any 5 star restaurant. A lot of effort had been put into the evening and it showed!
Then the moment of truth, the guest speaker. I remember as a teenager listening to Brother Durrant speak and being so inspired. I guess my hopes were raised a little too high!
He rambled for a little while and then sat down. The two things that stood out about his talk was that when he was little, and only got tinker toys for Christmas, his parents told him to appreciate what he received because kids in MAPLETON and Delta had far less than he did! OUCH! If we would have been in Mapleton, I would have chalked it up to dry humor, but this was in Provo! I guess us old Mapletonians rate right up there with the starving children in Africa!
Then he admonished the women to take care of their husbands because they needed the support-Agreed- but then he said, "I guess you don't need the support like your husbands do!" WHAT?!? I thought a marriage was a partnership, not slavery!
Maybe he should have retired from public speaking a while ago! I'm sure I will find the humor in this in the near future, but as for now, I'm a little disappointed!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Words to Live by Alec - Good Idea/Bad Idea

Good idea: kissing a loved one

Bad idea: kissing a total stranger

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Today's Problems Are Tomorrow's Funny Stories

I have been told that you need to love people where they are and not judge them just because they are not as mature or advanced as you. Well with that thought, I have discovered something. I am like a 2 year old!

Last night, I had to get my piano to a gig. (It's just a neighborhood band, but it's fun!) RB left his trailer in my driveway so I could use it to haul. Paul wasn't home and Alec was at work. So having the 2 year old mentality that I have, I knew I could 'Do it myself'. I put the hitch on my car and then picked up the trailer to attach it onto the hitch. When I moved it forward, it didn't stop. My hand was smashed between the trailer and the car. And what did I do? (After swearing up a storm) I cried! It hurt and I was embarrassed that I couldn't do it. And talk about timing?!?! I was supposed to perform in less that an hour!

Thank heavens for wonderful neighbors. I went down to Bruners and ask Dave for help. Of course, between he and his family, they took care of me and I made it to the gig, complete with an ice pack for my injured hand. Because it was my left hand, and we have a great bass guitar player, we made it through the gig just fine.

Now as I sit here reflecting on the night, it's kind of funny. Can you imagine a 51 year old lady standing at your door crying? I'm sure if any other neighbors were watching, my swearing and crying dance was entertaining!

I'm sure there are no broken bones and in a couple of weeks, I'll be good as new. And much like a 2 year old, I'm happy again and dancing!

Monday, December 1, 2008

I Tag...from Michelle

I am a sucker for a tag! Please keep this going!

3 Joys:
-When my kids are together and laughing!
-Playing in a band.
-Snuggling in my Down Comforter and Down Pillow.

3 Fears:
-Causing pain or suffering.
-The economy.
-Being forgotten.

3 Goals:
-A healthy 120 lb. body
-Get out of debt
-Family History

3 Current Obsessions/Collections:
-Stand up Comedians
-‘Spoon Me’ yogurt

3 Surprising Facts:
-I got an ‘A’ in my computer class!
-I loathe any type of fighting.
-It scares me to perform. I always get stage fright!

I tag … Melanie, Patty, Kim, Lexie, and Jesica