Tuesday, July 29, 2008

From My Infancy To My Adultry - M*A*S*H

I had a epiphany today. I haven't been living. I have been coasting through my life. This is something that has been going on (and off) for most of my life. When things get hard, I quit making decisions and just do what I am told. If I am not told to do anything, I sleep or eat. Luckily, having children kept me busy.
Now that most of my kids are moved out, I am making conscience choices. I have made a schedule, set some goals and am moving toward them. I am discovering that I am a good person. I am doing what I want to, and I want to do good things! I'm not perfect at this, or anything else for that matter. I guess perfection is not my goal, just good. Good is enough. So far, I am pleased with how my life is evolving.
As my children grew and needed me less and less, I had become a little panicked. One of my MAJOR turning points was the day I realized I can't fix everything that goes wrong in their lives. That was VERY traumatizing for me. It has been a process of letting go and being happy about it. By letting go, I had to opportunity to work more on me - and do I need some work!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I Walked On Fire

Yes, I know I'm not the first one to do so, but I think I was probably the noisiest! I have been told that "How you do anything is how you do everything". This has cause me to analyze just about ALL of my actions. Let me share my fire walking experience.

I attended a weekend leadership workshop in Lava Hot Springs, Idaho. It was well attened and the workshops were very informative. I was absorbing all that I could. Rumor had it, that there was to be a fire walk the last night. I had heard of people walking on fire and always thought that there was some magical chant or at least method to do it! When it was announced that there would be a fire walk, I was very annoyed. No one had taught me anything on how this was to be done! Before I came to this weekend retreat, I had already made up my mind that I would do everything I was asked to do, so reluctantly, I followed everyone to the fire pit.

As the fire roared and heated up the area, I grew more agitated. I knew I had to do it, but I didn't want to! I'm not one of these people who hear angels, receive visions or anything like that! How was it that I was expected to do something so ..... woo-woo! I grabbed my sisters hand and said, "Let's do it!" As we stood at the edge of the fire, I imagined and HUGE firey mouth gaping open to swallow me up! I backed away and said, "Maybe in a minute." I didn't do it! She went without me. As the night progressed, I became angrier at the leaders and mostly myself.

Once again, I grabbed my sister's hand and said, OK, this time for real!" I just closed my eyes and with the idea that I would rather die than chicken out again, I walked...Ok, I ran! When I reached the other side I yelled, "That was hot!" As I calmed down and assessed my situation, I realized that I only had a small blister on my right foot. Most of the heat I felt was in my mind because I saw the fire. Later on that evening, I saw how some of the people had big blisters on their feet, but they didn't yell, only me!

How does that compare to my life? I am starting to think that I am very verbal about my challenges! I sometimes think that my life is extra hard when in all reality, everyone has it hard at some time or the other. Yet the sweetheart message is, by my being so open with my frustrations and challenges, I give others the opportunity to open up and share their feelings without thinking they will be judged!

By the way, I found out you don't have to be psychic or clairvoyant to walk on fire. You just have to be brave and have someone you love and trust by your side.

I love you Debra!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

My Life Is A Roller Coaster

I am coming into the 21st century - I have a blog! I feel so much younger!
I have always wanted to share my bits of wisdom that I have learned. I'm quite sure that my 'Deep Thoughts' might rate right up there with Jack Handy - but maybe not!
The idea of sharing my thoughts is a little frightening, but I have heard it is quite liberating as well!
Here goes!
I feel like we have just been through a rollercoaster of emotions. Watching your daughters get married is very different than I imagined.
I have always known (and wanted) them to find a wonderful man and start their own life. I really love the men that they have chosen. They seem to be a perfect fit for both of them.
I feel like I do OK planning parties and events, so the thoughts of 2 receptions didn't scare me. That just shows the lack of experience I posess.
It is not just the matter of putting on a party, it is the emotions that go with it! The happys, the sads, the scareds, the sures, the doubts, and for me the fear that I didn't do enough to prepare them for this!
I am so grateful for supportive family and friends. I found myself feeling like the 2 year old saying, "I can do it myself." When it came down to it, I finally said, "OK. Pick a job - any job! If you want to do it, I will let you!" It sure went a lot smoother when I let go of my 'illusion' of control.
As for the emotions, I can see that it has only just begun. I want my girls to be perfect and not say the dumb things or do the dumb things that I did in my marriage. Let's just say that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree! Our mistakes are what makes us grow, and boy are we all growing!
I really think that my girls will be fine! Once again, they seem to have chosen well, and both seem to be working things out. I just need to remember that fights usually end up with GREAT make-ups. As long as they all keep trying and compromising, they will be fine!
Then there's my son. He has come so far and done so well lately! I am so proud of him! He's really getting his life together! He is an amazing person. I hope he keeps this up!
Overall, things have gone a lot slower lately. I know it won't last, but I am enjoying it while I can!